The Blame Game

The Art of Letting Go Series

Part 5- The Blame Game: Pointing Fingers

“When we blame and point our finger at others, 3 of our very own fingers are pointing back at us”, that is, we are actually pointing more fingers at ourselves than at the other. For when we blame, we often forget our own responsibility in the situation.

To blame someone, we take a position of right and wrong, often creating roles of victim and perpetrator. It can be a seductive habit and it can be easy to do as people do make mistakes. Yet it is one thing to recognise a person’s action as a ‘mistake’, and quite different to blame someone for it.

Recognising a person’s behaviour as inappropriate, whether it was intentional or not, is to see the persons actions as unsuitable. Blaming someone is to actually take it a step further, not only seeing the action as unsuitable but also seeing the person themselves as wrong. That somehow the presence of the universe expressing itself through this being is wrong.

“Judgment removes us from power”

By judging the expression of the universe, the life force, as wrong, it actually removes us from our own power. This is because when we judge the life force in the other as wrong, we are opposing it, resisting our acceptance of life and its current expression. And by resisting life, the 3 fingers pointing back at us shows us that we are resisting that same life force within us. This resistance is in fact a denial of our own life force, a denial of our own empowerment.

“Your experience is your responsibility”

Certainly people have hurt us in our life(s) and they are responsible for their actions as we are to our reactions to their behaviour. However when we blame someone we tend to assign this responsibility of our feelings with the other. That is, the person I am blaming is responsible for the feelings I am experiencing and we tend to ignore our own responsibility for our reactions to this person’s behaviour. We usually overlook the fact that it was our reactions to their behaviour that caused us emotional pain, and not in fact the behaviour of the person.

By blaming we not only resist taking responsibility to the feelings we generate within ourselves to external events, we often also have an unconscious belief that the person blamed is somehow responsible to help us feel better again. When we do this we ignore our full responsibility for our own healing and instead we largely expect the healing to come from the very person we are blaming. It is almost impossible for the other person to actually fulfil this role, creating even more pain within us as our expectations are not met. 

“Feeling is healing, blaming is not”

Another way blaming is not helping is because we can hold onto the feeling that we are ‘right’. That is, I am rightly holding onto this pain you wrongly caused me. This holding on can cause us to wallow in our story and the painful feelings, allowing us to relive the experience many times over. The false sense of self, the ego, loves nothing more than to hold onto this pain as it reinforces its experience as feeling important and alive through the painful story.

Acknowledging the pain caused by the person is healing, blaming them for this pain is not, and by letting go of blame allows us to see the bigger picture. This includes understanding the possible lessons for us in the situation but more importantly to realise that ultimately, the person’s actions towards us is not personal. For when we can see the event as something that has just happened, where we don’t invest our identity into the story, the quicker it is for us to let go of our own pain.

Ultimately there is a place within us that is always at peace, regardless of all the dramas and traumas we may have ever experienced. Blaming removes us from this place and fixates our attention into the pain of our story and traumas. Letting go of the need to blame, to feel right, allows us to return to our true peace. Would you rather feel ‘right’ or be at peace?




Published: May 2014